For Rosh Hashanah, I am resolving to stop making excuses for my behavior and tell the truth. I spent a lot of years lying outright, and then I spent a lot of years avoiding and omitting details. This is a list of excuses that I have used. I have actually said all of these things during the past year. Each is true, but not the truth. You can figure it out.
Backpacks are more sensible than purses. They leave your hands free and are better for your posture. It is hard to walk briskly with a purse.
I keep a Leatherman pocket tool in my backpack because you never know when you are going to need a corkscrew, a bottle opener, pliers, or a saw.
I can get by with just my wallet, my iPhone, and my keys. Who needs to carry all that stuff and rummage around for your credit cards?
I wear men’s sneakers because I have wide feet.
I only wear comfortable and sturdy shoes because I walk six to eight miles a day. Keen, Merrell, and Timberland are hard to wear out. I am rough on shoes.
I wear a sports bra instead of a regular bra because I walk a lot and I don’t want to bounce.
If I was trying to bind I’d wear a real binder not a sports bra.
I don’t shave my legs or my arm pits because it is barbaric. Who decided that women should shave there? Just one more useless thing to occupy your time.
I don’t use any make-up, perfume, or hair “products” because I don’t like the scent.
I don’t bleach, shave, or pluck my “mustache” because hiding it would bring more attention to it. Chin hairs are natural. So are eyebrows. They are staying on my face.
Short hair is practical. I like to get up, shower, wash my hair, towel dry, and go.
I don’t dye my hair because all those chemicals are bad for you. The gray is distinguished.
I like men’s jeans and pants because they have better pockets (see wallet above). Women’s jeans have dorky short front pockets; most women’s slacks don’t even have back pockets.
I prefer men’s jackets (GORE-TEX, fleece, or insulated) because they have more/secured pockets. I like jackets that have an inside zipper chest pocket. For my wallet.
I wear plain cotton hipster briefs because they are breathable and comfortable (I omitted saying that I also wear cotton/spandex striped or flowered guy’s boxer briefs for which even I will admit there is no excuse except that they are fun and make me feel good).
I wear blue jeans because everything goes with blue jeans.
I don’t look good in pastels. I am not an Easter Egg. Although I used to only wear navy, black, pine green, and maroon, I now also wear pink, red, and orange under the right circumstances.
Rimless glasses do not interfere with my range of vision. I don’t like seeing the world through plastic frames.
I drive a Subaru Outback because it is practical. You never know when you are going to need all wheel drive. My Subaru carries more stuff than most SUV’s and gets better mileage.
I lift weights because I want to be stronger.
I like the taste of beer.
I changed my name because my birth name didn’t fit me (too suburban 1950’s).