I’m writing this post right before the election. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but I just want it to be over. No one I know will admit to voting for Trump. I’m sure some of them are lying to me. Part of Making America Great Again is making America straight (and cisgender) again. It will never happen in New York, no matter who wins, but there will be a backlash in the conservative states.
I’m voting for Hillary, without much enthusiasm. I’d rather be voting for Bernie, or for Elizabeth Warren, or for Obama. I’m a little embarrassed to be lumped in with Hillary’s “what a great moment for women” supporters, but I’m in, fingers crossed. I am repulsed by Trump, and by the angry straight white guys, contorted with hate, who attend Trump rallies. I do not want to be like them. It rattles my sense of my own masculinity that so many men support Trump.
Most days I feel like I’m OK the way I am, in the middle, masculine enough. Then I get Ma’am’d. Or Donna and I are called “Ladies”. Then I think about the unopened box of testosterone gel in my dresser drawer.
Some days I feel that I am in a gender stalemate. Not ready to move forward, unwilling to stay in the same place, needing to do something else, but I don’t know exactly what. I don’t want to push myself to change pronouns or take hormones just to get some traction. I’d like those decisions to come organically, not out of frustration or as a reaction to being Ma’am’d.
To buoy (or boy) my spirits I made a list to remind myself how much things have changed in the five years since I first started to think about being trans. Despite the negativity, I’ve got reasons to be cheerful. Here is the list:
- I’m glad I changed my name to Jamie. Jamie is the right name for me. I feel like a Jamie, even though I still turn my head every time someone says “Amy” even when they are referring to someone else.
- I feel entitled to wear what I want and to buy clothing that I like, without apology. I can honestly say that I wear men’s clothing because I feel better when I wear it. I don’t have to claim half-truths to justify it (better pockets, sturdier, less restrictive, etc.).
- I feel better about my body. I lost weight and I had top surgery. When I look in the mirror (when I am dressed) I see myself and I am content with what I see. I don’t feel dysphoria at home or on the street. I do experience it in women’s spaces (bathrooms and locker rooms) and I try to avoid them.
- I’ve stopped apologizing for transitioning, and for not following the standard transition narrative. It is my body and I have the right to do what I want with it. I’m not going “half-way”, I’m going “my way”. I’m not a traitor. If someone has a problem with my gender identity or gender expression that it is their problem not my problem.
- I’m happy that I worked through the name change and top surgery issues with Donna, even if it slowed things down. I’m thankful that she overcame her transphobia and anger and now supports me and is an ally for transgender rights/liberation. I’m happy that we went through this together.
- I don’t feel embarrassed or awkward when I am Sir’d (I despise being Ma’am’d). Neither fits. I don’t correct people when they address me using either term.
- I live in the real world instead of inside my head. I feel my feelings more and I stuff them down/numb them out less. I don’t overeat out of anxiety and I rarely drink to quiet my thoughts. I am tempted to every day, but I am able to resist.
- I’m a little less shy and somewhat more talkative than I used to be.
- I respect the struggle of all people who identify as trans. I used to judge other people’s transition decisions. I didn’t understand how difficult it is to live as a transgender person, and how many obstacles there are to transitioning (financial, medical, social, legal). I didn’t get that it is a constant struggle. I get it now.
When I think about where I was five years ago, I can see how much progress I’ve made, and I can dredge up some hope for the future. For me, that is a reason to be cheerful.
Notes: Reasons To Be Cheerful is a pop song by Ian Dury and The Blockheads, from 1979. It’s a list song, or stream of consciousness song, similar to It’s The End Of The World As We Know it by R.E.M. (1987), but slightly more upbeat.
A Boy and Her Dog 
I’m really dreading tomorrow night and Wed. morning, yet I’m anxious to get this thing over and done with. I’m really worried about the outcome and that Trump will win. And if Hillary wins it won’t be any walk in the park either. We’re in for a very bumpy ride politically. I’m finding it really hard to stay positive with all of the Trump signs I see every day where I live. He will undoubtedly win my county but hopefully not my state.
I’m glad you’re taking some time to look at all of the positive changes that you’ve implemented in your life over the last few years. It’s always good to step back and reflect on where we’ve come from and it helps give some perspective when things are looking bleak.
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It is going to be an ugly 4 years, and a lot to undo at the end of it. I’m lucky to be in NYC which has always managed to escape, at least partly, the worst Republican backlashes. Our state’s rights are pretty good, but I feel for the people in states with few protections other than the 2nd Amendment.
On the other hand (there is always an other hand), Hillary won the popular vote, so we should have some allies who also feel disenfranchised and who will try to hold him accountable. I realize that there is no holding him accountable for anything – but maybe he will have to accept being accountable as President – or maybe he will spend all his time on Twitter. It is really going to be an ugly 4 years.
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We really do have a lot more supporters than it might seem at the moment. I know many people who voted for Trump that are not racists, homophobes or misogynists but just really wanted huge sweeping changes in Washington and thought this was their best option. Yes, she got the popular vote and on top of that you can be very confident that at least half, probably more, of the Trump voters are on our side too. We just have to keep a vigilant watch over him and make congress keep him in line. We survived Reagan, we can survive this.
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That´s so much progress in just five years 🙂 I´m glad you are able to feel and be more yourself without feeling like you have to apologize. Wishing you good luck on the outcome of the election. I think most of us (also Europe and other parts of the world) are wishing that Sanders would´ve come through but maybe the world just isn´t ready for it yet.
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I really did not want to get out of bed this morning. Trump. Ugh. It is messing with my head – I have a lot of anger towards Rust Belt straight white guys today.
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I totally understand. I was flabbergasted when I turned on my PC and discovered the news. I never expected this outcome. Nevertheless… I found some positivism in it all. I think Trump might the ultimate symbol of not giving into the fear or the hate, or the attempts to divide people. You might not like the cheesy post I wrote about it, then again, it might cheer you up. Decide for yourself. Post-election hugs your way if you appreciate it.
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The personal is the political!
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The personal is going to be very political for the next 4 years. I never thought anything could be worse than 8 years of G. W. Bush, but 4 years of Trump is going to be really bad.
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I’ll have to check out that pop song! Really like Ian Dury and the Blockheads, but haven’t heard of that one!
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I think The End Of The World is more apt today. It just sucks.
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So sorry how this has panned out. At least we’re all still here 😓
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I’m here. I lived through Nixon, Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. NYC and New York State are pretty safe, even in the worst of times. But I feel for folks in the red states, where there are going to be a lot of new laws passed. And I’m really angry at the recklessness of the people who voted for him.
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hang in there, it can’t possibly get any worse than it already is 😦
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If you know your history, Berlin in 1933.
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I really hope not I do think he will be. Impeached before he can do extreme harm to the people
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