I spent the last third of 2011 and all of 2012 obsessively thinking about being butch and/or transgender. I read a bunch of books. I thought about my childhood. I thought about my adolescence. I examined by behavior. I examined my material closet and my mental closet. I went around in circles chasing my tail. I ended up back where I started, but not quite in the same place. Everything looked vaguely different. I’d like 2013 to have more clarity than the muddle of the last two years.
I always thought I was a boy, even though I was told I was a girl. This got paraphrased in my brain as “I want to be a boy”. This sentence repeated itself so many times in my head over the years that it became background noise and I stopped listening to it. I am listening again. Instead of ignoring it I am saying “Of course I always wanted to be a boy because I am a boy”. I experience this the clearest when I am with my dog Gracie, who can not talk me out it. She loves me just the way I am. A boy and her dog.